2014.....What will it bring?

Well it is the beginning of a new year, and while I look back at the old year and see the things that have happened over the last year, I kind of dread the new year.

The new year is supposed to be a time of fresh starts.

A time of new beginnings.

For me it scares me a bit, as I see it as another opportunity to fail.

Failing comes quite naturally to all of us, but for me its personal....there are many reasons why that is, which I won't get into today, but being a failure is like the worst thing ever....And we all are failures, I must get over this....

Growing up, New Years wasn't celebrated, it was just another day that crazy people stayed up late.

And I also believe that making New Years resolutions is a big set up for failure.

So maybe that is where my hesitance to embrace the newness, the fresh start, comes from.

Looking back over my year, I do see lots of joy peace contentment love friendships laughter spiritual growth and positive changes.

I also don't see enough change, I still lose my temper, I still have feelings of discontentment, I don't trust God enough, I don't surrender enough, our finances are in trouble....

My insecurities make my relationships with my God, hubby, kids, family and friends suffer.

I'm not just talking the normal life discouragements, I have almost lost everything because of my temper....and yet it still hangs around and shows its ugly head.

I've gone through the gamut of emotions....If I was really a christian, I wouldn't act like this. If God really cared, he would fix me. How can I have such confidence in myself, when I am nothing, and needed God to rescue me from my sinful nature. I don't have much of an identity, which was one thing I wanted to work on last year (the taking failure soooo personally thing)

So last year when I looked back in my journal, I wished to curb my temper and become more like a Proverbs 21 wife and mother, Quit drinking Pepsi, Quit chewing my Nails, and loose a few pounds...

I am nothing like the wife and mother I want to be. I feel like I am the same. No real improvement.

I didn't quit drinking Pepsi. I pretend I am better since I don't buy it by the case anymore...just one litre bottles....

I didn't loose a few pounds. Nope...Nada...I did lose some, then gained it back again......so nope....nada

But I must celebrate the small victories, I quit Chewing my Nails. For the first time in 33 years, I have nails that I am proud of, Nails I can shake hands with, Nails that look fake!!

So this year, I haven't added a thing to that list. My list for this year is just smaller by one point.

Here's hoping that the one thing I have improved upon next January, is that I am more like the wife and mother and friend that God wants me to be.

If its not that and its a small thing like quitting the pop, well hey, yippee! I will find joy in the small things....After all my nails are beewtiful!

Christmas Break

I love my kids.

I am not a parent who jumps for joy when summer vacation is over, or silently groans when Christmas or Easter break is looming. I LOVE IT!!!

Maybe it is because I did an exceptional job raising my kids to be a joy to be around...I am sure thats it!

Or maybe I just love them and can't get enough of them.

I only hope that my heavenly Father doesn't' breathe a sigh on Sunday morning when his kids are coming to church to have a visit. Or Wooooo Hoooo so and so is at  (__________), yay I get a break! No He yearns to spend time with us, and I really love to do the same with my kids.

I aint' perfect.

I need breaks....seriously.

just short ones, and then bring em back.

Part of it is how fast time goes, they are gone so quick. Just yesterday I was holding them in my arms where they were 100% dependent on me for food and clothing. Today they are both gone for school. Tomorrow they will be gone, with homes of their own.

I must treasure each fleeting moment.

I love sharing experiences with them, I can't imagine taking a trip anywhere and not bringing them to share it with me. Or Grocery shopping, the biggest complaint I hear, I love the company, honestly.

I do have good kids though.

And when I am around kids that are tougher to be around than my kids, well I guess I can understand and even sympathize with the comments of taking breaks!! I really can.

I guess I am blessed.

So bring on Christmas holiday!! Two weeks off of bliss for this momma!!

I was just browsing on the internet and came across this list and had to laugh doe to my topic of the day I am posting my words in black. 

10 Things You Won’t Hear Moms Say About Christmas Break

1. We need more plastic battery-operated toys in this house, preferably really noisy ones with questionable volume control. I love battery operated toys, it keeps my kids busy, and you know what sometimes I play with them too!! :)


2. I didn’t make it to Starbucks once. I never make it to the coffee shop. I make my own coffee.


3. I wish I could have untwisted just one more plastic tie from packaging Christmas morning. Ok...Yes, what is with all those plastic ties????


4.  I lost 5 pounds! Maybe this year I will say that! Be positive!!


5. I’m really bummed that Santa didn’t bring a puppy because that’s just what we need around here—ANOTHER dog. My hubby is bummed!!! he would love another dog. Actually he wants puppies, so that would be multiple dogs. But I guess I am a mom and I have said no, so I guess this one is true....


6. Why didn’t I just let the kids stay  up until midnight EVERY night and not just New Year’s Eve? Maybe not midnight, but I let them stay up late, what is the fun of going to bed at a decent time when you are on holidays.


7. Legos, Polly Pocket stilettos, and Hex Bugs. What we need around here are more miniscule toys that hurt like heck when you step on them in bare feet! These are all toys I love to play with, with my kids. And my kids clean up when they are done playing. I don't think I have ever stepped on a lego....I get that it would hurt....but Yeah, we clean up small toys before bed.


8. I wish that Elf on a Shelf thing went on all year long…can’t get enough of that wacky elf and his antics. Hahahaha. I hate the Elf on a Shelf....I guess what ever works for you! To me he is just one more thing that makes a mom feel guilty if you A) don't have one or B) can't be bothered to make him do stuff every night.


9. I feel so rested and refreshed after Christmas break, it’s like I’ve been at a spa. Yes!!! And so sad the day I am sending hubby to work and kids to school. Lonely.


10. Why can’t school be out another week, darn it? Indeed. I'd home school if I could!!!!

The Passage of time.

I recently took some family pictures for my own family. My mom and dad, the kids, my brother my sister....It was a great time and antics ensued. I didn't think much about it at the time, but I did a few macro and close up shots of my dad, just for practice and interests sake.

What I got stunned me.

I sat and stared.

And cried.

The picture didn't look anything like my dad, it looked time worn, full of age, maps of history. I hadn't ever just sat and looked at him. Looked into his eyes, that for once were full of joy from playing with his Grand kids, and not stern, giving 16 year old me - what for.

I don't think I realized that he was that old. The things he has seen. He was five years old in WWII. He's seen telephones be put in. Toilet paper invented. Wars, technology, morals chance, clothing get less, just wow.

I don't think I realized how important it is just to look at someone...to see who they are. What they are. Where they have been and to just take a moment, because it is so fleeting, to appreciate..........

The passage of time.

Opposite world : Babies

Well to continue on plagiarizing Women Living Well!! I really do love reading her blogs and I cannot for the life of me come up with words that say it better than she does. Of course situational changes take place but so much of these opposite world things are exactly how I feel.


Now one thing that stuck me while reading this was I HATED being pregnant. I loved the miracle of life that was cooking in there, but as for being pregnant itself, I really didn't like it. That being said though I do think that being a wife and mother before career and money, nowadays is looked down upon. I know when people ask me what I do, I have a quick moment of shame that I am "just" a young stay at home mom, which no real prospects for a fancy career.


Read on and enjoy, the following again comes from the Women Living Well blog.

I was scrolling through my facebook feed recently when a friend’s status hit me in the gut.  Melanie, a beautiful young wife, from my church (pictured above) wrote:

Aside from my close friends and family…
How is it that 9 out of 10 people who talk to me about my pregnancy have negative things to say?? The comments are endless and quite creative in their effort to convince me that I should not be as thrilled as I am. It is usually prefaced by “JUST WAIT……(insert: miserable experience/undesirable life change)” Although they have me well prepared for “impending doom,” for now I will continue to be convinced that this is the most beautiful experience of my life thus far!
And now I will bask in all the flip-flopping glory that is happening inside my tummy right now. You can kick this mama all night long sweet little one:)

Enter my GASP!   How is it that this young wife, who is pregnant for the first time, is encountering such negativity about her pregnancy?
And then I remembered back to my early 20′s and the prevailing culture that said – get your college degree before you have babies, travel a little before you have babies, your body is going to completely change after you have babies, have fun and live it up before you have babies, get yourself financially secure before you have babies.  Be a responsible adult and wait wait wait to have those children…
And we did.
I was 27 when we had our first child and 29 when we had our second.  By my 30′s, I was experiencing medical trouble that put a stop on babies and I won’t go into it all here but I will say –I bought Opposite World’s mantra and I totally regret it. I wish I had started having babies much sooner.
My husband and I met in highschool and married straight out of college –we could have had children sooner.  But we had other goals and my biological clock seemed like it’d tick forever.  If I had known 29 was the cut off date for my body to handle babies safely…we would have started sooner.
But Opposite World.  It balks at couples marrying young and having babies young.  It says, “women had babies young in the old days – be a modern woman – go to college, have a career.”   
Opposite World says if you do have children, 1 or 2 is a nice number…and a family with  3 or 4 children is considered a large family.  And goodness, if you are pregnant with your fifth, you can expect the snide remarks like “you know what causes that, right?” or “Is this an oops?”  I mean why on earth would women want to have lots of babies?
But OH – this is not how God sees children.

Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from Him. ~ Psalm 127:3

A reward? Then why are 9 out of 10 telling my friend of the impending doom she’s about face.    
Cause we live in Opposite World. 
Rachael Janokovic wrote a profound post over at Desiring God Ministries about motherhood – here’s an excerpt:

Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.
Christian mothers carry their children in hostile territory. When you are in public with them, you are standing with, and defending, the objects of cultural dislike. You are publicly testifying that you value what God values, and that you refuse to value what the world values. You stand with the defenseless and in front of the needy. You represent everything that our culture hates, because you represent laying down your life for another—and laying down your life for another represents the gospel.

 And it’s true.  We live in a selfish culture where having children is a huge inconvenience.  I mean – how am I supposed to fit in aerobics, spa days, girls shopping trips and “me time” when I have children that need me 24/7.  And we look at these women in movies, magazines and on television – they are unbelievably gorgeous at 43 and birthing their first. They look like they have it all.  They gave their “best years” — their young years, to their career…and we secretly wonder – maybe they do have it all.
Well – Women Can Have It All {In Opposite World} is a blog post for another day.
But for now, let me conclude with these thoughts.
Children are a blessing from God.  They are gifts.  I know on hard days these gifts feel like gag gifts. lol! But when we thank God for our blessings and we love, nurture, train and bond with our blessings – our lives are fuller.
Defy Opposite World. 

If you are a pregnant woman, boldly declare your excitement for your baby bump!
When you are in the midst of bottles and binkies and spit up and tantrums and sleepless nights – do not let the enemy whisper in your ear – “this is too much.”  Lean on Jesus and thank God for giving you SO much!
When the world says, you are too young. Remember Mary was young.
When the world says, you are too old. Remember Sarah was old.
When the world says, you don’t know what you are doing. Remember Eve – who had no role models at all…she just walked with the King.

We must shut out the voices of Opposite World and listen to the maker of this world. 
He says –be fruitful and multiply.
He says – children are a reward.
I believe him.
Now go love on your little ones and do something completely counter cultural (but just like Jesus) –lay down your life for another.

Women Living Well

So I follow this awesome blog, Women living well. And I have been missing from the blogging world for a couple weeks, and wanted something to really be deep and meaningful to blog about. Anyways, this blog is doing a series about Christian women living well in an opposite world, which focuses on being a Christian woman, but I think that lots of this is common sense as well for those who aren't. So much of society and life now a days is focused on appearance and instant gratification and so much else is lost!! So I am gong to share this blog for a few weeks about living oppositely. These are her words not mine and I hope to aspire to these being my words one day!!!




"I hate my muffin top.  It makes certain dresses and shirts fit ALL wrong.  So I resort to ruffled shirts, A-line dresses and anything that hides it. I wish I had a flat stomach… a flat stomach is only some self-discipline, exercise and a bit of lipo suction away, right?
But I’m learning…
I’m learning that I don’t have the discipline it takes to make this muffin top go away any time soon…maybe that will be next years New Year’s Resolution…{again –*sigh*}
And maybe you don’t have a muffin top - but you carry extra weight somewhere else…maybe in your thighs, arms, chin, or bottom.   And maybe, like me when you look in the mirror, you judge yourself for the food you ate yesterday –cause Opposite World tells you –you really should work on that “trouble spot.”
Well, recently I was comtemplating my muffin top –deep thoughts right? lol!  I was thinking – why in the world is that still there? I’m on the eliptical 5 nights a week and I don’t drink milkshakes or eat fries!  And then it hit me –because God has given me my daily bread.  Actually I have a  fridge full of food –he’s given me my weekly bread!

My muffin top is evidence of God’s goodness in my life!

You see, when I make a meatloaf for our family of four –after we each have an appropriate portion for our body size – there’s a few slices left. And guess what happens –I eat a little extra.  And after my son finishes a game of basketball at the gym, we take the kids through the Dairy Queen drive through to cool off (I always get a kids sized cone).  And in the fall there’s candy corn, at Christmas there’s cookies, Valentine’s Day there’s chocolate –and the list goes on!  Pizza Bread, Crock Pot Mac n Cheese, Taco Salad, Burgers and Hawaain Meatloaf grace my dinner table every month.
Now all the dieting books say the above eats are the reason I have a muffin top –right?  You may be thinking, “goodness — don’t make meatloaf and mac n cheese.  Those are not on the healthy food charts!”  Well, I do cook chicken and fish and lots of veggies too .
And I get it – I do.  I get that I am making choices that keep me from getting rid of my muffin top.  So I need to stop whining about it.

Those overflowing plates of food –those are evidence of God’s abundant blessings in my life. 

Now you may wonder if I feel this way about other’s muffin tops.  Nope – yours doesn’t bother me at all!  I have a double standard.  Yours looks great and if you complained about it –I’d tell you, you are beautiful. I’d probably point to your children and tell you, they are SO worth the muffin top!!!
But Opposite World whispers in my ear –every time I look in the mirror, “you should not have eaten that yesterday.”
First world problems right?  They don’t have to set up treadmills in third world countries where women are working themselves to the bone to survive or worse… starving.  I’ve read of women in Haiti whose children are so hungry they feed them dirt cakes just to stop their hunger pains. 

My muffin top is evidence of God’s abundant blessings.

And so we bow our heads and give thanks for our daily bread.  And we eat –not as gluttons, but we never miss a meal – and we get to eat an abundance of fruit, vegetables, meat, and bread.

Thank you God for these blessings!

 Jen Wilken writes:

The expectation of physical perfection hits modern females early and often. In middle school, girls cut themselves to deal with the pressures of conforming to the ideal. In middle age, women do, too—but allow the surgeon to hold the knife.

Oh that is so profound – is it not?
Jen goes on…

We carve the record of our self-loathing into the very flesh of our bodies—a self-marring, a literal carving of an idol. Increasingly, physical perfection is the legacy of womanhood in our culture, handed down with meticulous care from mother to daughter, with more faithful instruction in word and deed than we can trouble to devote to cultivating kindness, peacemaking, and acceptance that characterize unfading, inner beauty.

What are we passing on to our daughters?  This weekend I attended the sobering funeral of my beautiful Aunt Lori. She died at the age of 54, after a brave 5 year battle with cancer.  And you know what…no one mentioned her waist size at the funeral.
Do we get that –no one cares! And certainly God does not care! He is not going to greet me at the pearly gates and say –you should have never eaten those Christmas cookies!!!

I don’t want my kids to look at my picture after my death and say “our mother was so beautiful“, I want them to say ” My mother oozed with the love of Jesus.  She loved God, loved Daddy, loved us and loved people!”  That’s what I want my legacy to be!

Christian women should be the most joyous and cheerful women in the neighborhood. We have hope, security and a Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally! Let’s not torture ourselves with the Opposite World’s lies…grumpy because we’re famished from dieting.  I have learned that I need to eat and have energy to serve God heartily.
Oh friends and foodies and marathon mamas – I am NOT saying we should not strive to be healthier or eat healthier.  I love the way you take care of the temple of the Lord.  I love reading your blogs and learning off of you all.  I admire your diligence and discipline and let’s be honest –I dream of having your waist size!  This is not a post dissing healthy living.
This is for all the women who feel like they are “less than“ because Opposite World says –strive for your dream weight that is–just.out.of.reach…And maybe…
Maybe I’m trying to learn to NOT hold that double standard…
Maybe…just maybe -I’m trying to tell myself…
.

I’m

okay

. 

 ”Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” ~ Proverbs 31:30

Thank you Lord for my abundant blessings that my muffin top represents.  Help me to stop fearing food and Opposite World and to fear YOU only."

The Wife of a Travelling Husband

I was missing hubby this morning as he has flown away for a week of orientation, and then I was browsing around other blogs of women whose hubby travels. And I have to say I am not so sure about this now. I don't want him gone, I like him here. We weren't miserable while he was coming home every night, and now I have to get used to him being gone over night a few times a month.  I then stumbled across this ladies blog and it made me feel better, gave me a goal to work towards. So I am going to post her link and basically just share it with you here.



"What I have learned from the experience of being without my husband is that I love my husband and that I’m thankful that he provides for his family. I am thankful for the job that God has provided to meet the financial needs we have. This is not to say that it is not difficult, and it certainly is not to say that I will never fail again. 

As a Christian wife, here are some things that you can do:

 
Pray pray pray over the situation. The purpose of prayer isn’t to manipulate God into what you want Him to do, but rather to humbly make your requests known and to seek His divine comfort and wisdom. Also, look for opportunities to gently ask your husband pray with you and with your family. 

Start by complimenting your husband often, being thankful and thanking him for the time you do have together. What do the Proverbs say about a contentious wife? Fill your conversations with grace. Breathe grace, sister. This can only come with filling yourself with the Word. Forgiving as you have been forgiven.

 
Find little ways to shower him with your love. Place notes in his lunch, emails, taping a note to the steering wheel of his car, meet him for lunch (go to him!) and get dolled up for him, go to his softball games and cheer for him! Last year, we bought pompoms at the dollar store and me and all five little kiddies went to my husband’s soccer games last season! I was thankful that it was motivating him to be more fit!

 
Ask your husband if there is anything you can do to be a helper to him- a helpmeet is one of our roles as wives. Showing your willingness to do this (really, this is a way to submit to your husband) will show him that it’s not just about you.

 
Turn contentment issues over to Christ – we are to be content in all circumstances. While you may not have control over your husband, contentment is your choice.

 
Plan a date-night on your master calendar – so that it’s on his calendar and yours. Do not sit around and bitterly wait for him to make the first move. Be considerate of what he would like to do on a date. Going antique shopping and having a quaint dinner is not cool with my husband. Going to a steakhouse and maybe to a kitchen store are my husband’s favorite activities. Plan it all down to the babysitter.

 
Broaden your perspective. Respectfully, there are women who rarely see their husbands or who would give anything to just sleep next to their husbands! My husband goes to Japan often – I was once without him for six weeks straight, while pregnant, with a number of small children at home. It was not easy. Please consider the ladies whose husbands are soldiers in a war zone – they are just thankful their husbands are alive!


Please, be thankful for and look for ways to work with what you already have."


Again over and over in the past few month I have been hit over the head with "Thankfulness" and "forgiveness" and I am going to move forward with this new job in the spirit of thankfulness. I know I will have down times, and times that I will miss  hubby, but we are so blessed that God has given us so much and now this opportunity for Hubby.

Lasts!

This poem by Karen Kinsbury is one of my favorites titled:

Let Me Hold You Longer

(Warning:  get your tissues ready!)

Long ago you came to me,
a miracle of firsts,
First smiles and teeth and baby steps
a sunbeam on the burst.

But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past
And I will be left thinking of
a lifetime of your lasts… 

 Gracie 5lbs 2oz

 Alysha 6lbs 10 oz

The last time that I held a bottle
to your baby lips
The last time that I lifted you
and held you on my hip.
The last night when you woke up crying,
needing to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket
wanting to be rocked.

The last time when you ran to me,
still small enough to hold.
The last time that you said you’d marry
me when you grew old.
Precious, simple moments and
bright flashes from your past-
Would I have held on longer if
I’d known they were your last?

Our last adventure to the park,
your final midday nap,
The last time when you wore your favorite
faded baseball cap. Your last few hours of kindergarten,
those last few days of first grade,
Your last at bat in Little League,
last colored picture made.
I never said good-bye to all
your yesterdays long passed.
So what about tomorrow-
will I recognize your lasts?

The last time that you catch a frog
in that old backyard pond.
The last time that you run barefoot
across our fresh-cut lawn.
Silly, scattered images
will represent your past.
I keep on taking pictures,
never quite sure of your lasts…
The last time that I comb your hair
or stop a pillow fight.
The last time that I pray with you
and tuck you in at night.
The last time when we cuddle
with a book, just me and you
The last time you jump in our bed
and sleep between us two. The last piano lesson,
last vacation to the lake.
Your last few weeks of middle school,
last soccer goal you make.

I look ahead and dream of days
that haven’t come to pass.
But as I do, I sometimes miss
today’s sweet, precious lasts…

The last time that I help you with
a math or spelling test.
The last time when I shout that yes,
your room is still a mess.

The last time that you need me for
a ride from here to there.
The last time that you spend the night
with your old tattered bear.
My life keeps moving faster,
stealing precious days that pass,
I want to hold on longer-
want to recognize your lasts…
The last time that you need my help
with details of a dance.
The last time that you ask me for
advice about romance.

The last time that you talk to me
about your hopes and dreams.
The last time that you wear a jersey
for your high school team.
I’ve watched you grow and barely noticed
seasons as they pass.
If I could freeze the hands of time,
I’d hold on to your lasts.

For come some bright fall morning,
you’ll be going far away.
College life will beckon
in a brilliant sort of way.
One last hug, one last good-bye,
one quick and hurried kiss.
One last time to understand
just how much you’ll be missed.
I’ll watch you leave and think how fast
our time together passed.
Let me hold on longer,God,
to every precious last.

 Gracie and Alysha 6 and 3

In the midst of fevers, spit up, diapers, dishes and homework we moms (yes dads too) can grow weary and tired of it all. We can forget all the firsts and LASTS that our children are progressing through as we wish for the next season – one we dream to be easier.

Today I hold my girls a little closer. So proud that they such a sweet little girls and yet sad that for my big girl, the baby, preschool, kindergarten and 1st grade days are forever gone.  As I hold my baby I pray that I can hang on a little longer.  Lasts are passing us by. The door of the little years has slammed shut in my face. Gone forever!

Don’t waste time wishing the little years away.  Sit back. Relax.

 Psalm 127:3 “Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him.