Well here I am, not sure how to write this blog today. I am not sad, I am happy and relieved. Yet I am not happy and relieved I am quite sad. How can a person feel so polar opposite about one thing?? I am not sure, but there it is.
We had a doctors appointment yesterday where hubby had a nice "manly talk" with our doctor. He has been humming and hahing about getting a vasectomy, not sure that is what he wanted to do, since it is so permanent and takes a part of himself away etc. Now at the time I didn't really understand why he wasn't all for it. During my pregnancies I have had pregnancy induced hypertension and with Alysha it got quite bad and in fact I am still on blood pressure medication for it. Although at the doctors appointment yesterday my prescription was lowered so hopefully I am weaning myself of the medication. So I knew that it would be not a good decision to get pregnant again. Either way Hubby asked about the risks of me getting pregnant again, and the doctor told us that it would not be a wise decision and he does not recommend it at all. I would be on bed rest in the hospital for months and even then serious complications could arise, such as stroke or death, so therefore that is it, we are done, no more children.
Now like I said, I was pretty convinced before that I shouldn't have more children, even if I wanted more, which I don't. Hence the feeling of relief, that I am not just giving excuses that I don't want more children, I really can't.
But I know now too that hubby would have liked to try one more time for a boy, and I can't give him that. That option was taken away from me. Hence the feeling of sadness. I do sort of feel like part of my usefulness has gone, part of what I was made to do is gone. I do believe that God has shown us exactly what we need to do now, and that He will lead us and guide us, however there is that sadness there.
I do also understand where Hubby is coming from. He explained to me that he felt like it would be cutting a part of who he is away, He knows that he wouldn't be less of a man, or anything like that but just the mental part of taking that option away from himself, and now that I have had that option taken from me, I get it. And I also feel bad for him. After all he is a man, he doesn't know what it is like to go through Childbirth and procedures and embarrassing things, so that would make it harder too.
I just hope and pray that he does decide to go for the vasectomy, it is after all his decision. I think he will, he loves me and doesn't want anything bad to happen to me, but it won't be easy for him. But even more than before, I am scared of getting pregnant again, that would be horrible. I can't imagine missing almost a year of my kids lives, and what would we do.
I am not one of those who believe that God will take care of everything, okay that sounds not quite how I mean it, but I think we have to take responsibility for our actions. God told us to take care of our bodies, so we can choose not to take care of them. I think this applies to pregnancy as well.