2014.....What will it bring?

Well it is the beginning of a new year, and while I look back at the old year and see the things that have happened over the last year, I kind of dread the new year.

The new year is supposed to be a time of fresh starts.

A time of new beginnings.

For me it scares me a bit, as I see it as another opportunity to fail.

Failing comes quite naturally to all of us, but for me its personal....there are many reasons why that is, which I won't get into today, but being a failure is like the worst thing ever....And we all are failures, I must get over this....

Growing up, New Years wasn't celebrated, it was just another day that crazy people stayed up late.

And I also believe that making New Years resolutions is a big set up for failure.

So maybe that is where my hesitance to embrace the newness, the fresh start, comes from.

Looking back over my year, I do see lots of joy peace contentment love friendships laughter spiritual growth and positive changes.

I also don't see enough change, I still lose my temper, I still have feelings of discontentment, I don't trust God enough, I don't surrender enough, our finances are in trouble....

My insecurities make my relationships with my God, hubby, kids, family and friends suffer.

I'm not just talking the normal life discouragements, I have almost lost everything because of my temper....and yet it still hangs around and shows its ugly head.

I've gone through the gamut of emotions....If I was really a christian, I wouldn't act like this. If God really cared, he would fix me. How can I have such confidence in myself, when I am nothing, and needed God to rescue me from my sinful nature. I don't have much of an identity, which was one thing I wanted to work on last year (the taking failure soooo personally thing)

So last year when I looked back in my journal, I wished to curb my temper and become more like a Proverbs 21 wife and mother, Quit drinking Pepsi, Quit chewing my Nails, and loose a few pounds...

I am nothing like the wife and mother I want to be. I feel like I am the same. No real improvement.

I didn't quit drinking Pepsi. I pretend I am better since I don't buy it by the case anymore...just one litre bottles....

I didn't loose a few pounds. Nope...Nada...I did lose some, then gained it back again......so nope....nada

But I must celebrate the small victories, I quit Chewing my Nails. For the first time in 33 years, I have nails that I am proud of, Nails I can shake hands with, Nails that look fake!!

So this year, I haven't added a thing to that list. My list for this year is just smaller by one point.

Here's hoping that the one thing I have improved upon next January, is that I am more like the wife and mother and friend that God wants me to be.

If its not that and its a small thing like quitting the pop, well hey, yippee! I will find joy in the small things....After all my nails are beewtiful!