Wednesday, January 08, 2014

2014.....What will it bring?

Well it is the beginning of a new year, and while I look back at the old year and see the things that have happened over the last year, I kind of dread the new year.

The new year is supposed to be a time of fresh starts.

A time of new beginnings.

For me it scares me a bit, as I see it as another opportunity to fail.

Failing comes quite naturally to all of us, but for me its personal....there are many reasons why that is, which I won't get into today, but being a failure is like the worst thing ever....And we all are failures, I must get over this....

Growing up, New Years wasn't celebrated, it was just another day that crazy people stayed up late.

And I also believe that making New Years resolutions is a big set up for failure.

So maybe that is where my hesitance to embrace the newness, the fresh start, comes from.

Looking back over my year, I do see lots of joy peace contentment love friendships laughter spiritual growth and positive changes.

I also don't see enough change, I still lose my temper, I still have feelings of discontentment, I don't trust God enough, I don't surrender enough, our finances are in trouble....

My insecurities make my relationships with my God, hubby, kids, family and friends suffer.

I'm not just talking the normal life discouragements, I have almost lost everything because of my temper....and yet it still hangs around and shows its ugly head.

I've gone through the gamut of emotions....If I was really a christian, I wouldn't act like this. If God really cared, he would fix me. How can I have such confidence in myself, when I am nothing, and needed God to rescue me from my sinful nature. I don't have much of an identity, which was one thing I wanted to work on last year (the taking failure soooo personally thing)

So last year when I looked back in my journal, I wished to curb my temper and become more like a Proverbs 21 wife and mother, Quit drinking Pepsi, Quit chewing my Nails, and loose a few pounds...

I am nothing like the wife and mother I want to be. I feel like I am the same. No real improvement.

I didn't quit drinking Pepsi. I pretend I am better since I don't buy it by the case anymore...just one litre bottles....

I didn't loose a few pounds. Nope...Nada...I did lose some, then gained it back nope....nada

But I must celebrate the small victories, I quit Chewing my Nails. For the first time in 33 years, I have nails that I am proud of, Nails I can shake hands with, Nails that look fake!!

So this year, I haven't added a thing to that list. My list for this year is just smaller by one point.

Here's hoping that the one thing I have improved upon next January, is that I am more like the wife and mother and friend that God wants me to be.

If its not that and its a small thing like quitting the pop, well hey, yippee! I will find joy in the small things....After all my nails are beewtiful!


Anonymous said...

Congrats on the nails! I'm guessing you've made more improvements then you know of! You're a great friend, wife and mother!!!

Barbara Morden said...

Trust me girl, change comes in small increments that sometimes we can't even notice, but through the years these baby steps add up and up and up. Perhaps you're trying (struggling) too hard? Maybe just lean into God and surrender all your issues. Sometimes the only thing that stands between us and success; is us! Move over so God can work. Love ya!

My story

Welcome to my blessed life!! Meet myself, a 32 year old stay at home momma. Meet hubby, who I have been married to for 14 years. We got married right out of high school, and while there have been many hardships, my husband is my best friend, and I wouldn't change a thing. We are living life with a 6 year old Grade oner, Gracie and 3 year old toddler, Alysha, which has its challenges, but we love every minute of it. God has blessed us with everything we need as well as tonnes of great friends and family.